My Prayer

I heard this song on my way back home to A after dropping Charlie at school this morning.  I pray with all my heart that he, B, Z, T and all the other children we get the chance to love will one day be able to say exactly this...

I'm no longer a slave to fear;

I am a child of God.

I am surrounded by the arms of the father.

I am surrounded by songs of deliverance.

We've been liberated from our bondage.

We're the sons and the daughters. 

Let us sing our freedom.

You split the sea so I could walk right through it.

All my fears were drowned in perfect love.

You rescued me so I could stand and sing.

I am a child of God.

I'm no longer a slave to fear;

I am a child of God.

(No Longer a Slave - Jonathan & Melissa Helser)

Last Minute Yes

Jason and I had been looking forward to a quiet weekend with Charlie and then a small Christmas with my mom so much...and then about 3:00 Friday afternoon the phone rang.  It was Bair.

Justice was calling because they had a six year old boy (they didn't know his name yet) with nowhere to go.  He was actually in a foster home through Neighbor to Family, a different agency, but had spent the last week in the hospital due to what they believed to be a reaction to his medication.

His foster home is that of a single mom who has him, his sister and a 9 month old baby, so unsure if his "erratic" behavior was truly at an end, they weren't comfortable sending him back.  Unable to find a respite home for him at the last minute on a Friday afternoon they had reached out to other agencies and Justice had immediately thought of us.

When I hung up the phone I honestly wished he hadn't.  I so very much wanted a quiet morning at home with just my boys, possibly some time alone on the greenway or watching HGTV, and a simple, sweet Christmas celebration at mom's.  I didn't want a second six year old in the house whom we'd never met and who was suffering from undefined "erratic" behavior.

But Jason and I have agreed to make these decisions together unless there is a clear reason we can't say yes -- such as a trip or house guests or something...and there wasn't, so I called to give him the little information I knew then had to hang up almost immediately to help a parent.

When I finally called Jason back, he said what he should say, "well, it's not what I was hoping to do this weekend, but there's really no reason for us to say no."

So we said yes.  And A arrived about two hours later -- following a very depressing call from a DSS worker (so glad we went with Bair!), but a much more loving call from his caseworker (anyone interested in sibling groups should check out Neighbor to Family!).

When he arrived we found out they weren't completely convinced his behavior (nonverbal responses, growling, moaning and believing he was covered in bugs) was due to the medication, because he had only been in foster care since December 1st-- so his foster mom barely knew hit Saturday, December 5th when he started stripping off his clothes in Kohl's.  There assumption was that his biological parents hadn't been giving him his ADHD medication regularly, so when his foster mom started to do so, the dramatic change had brought on this response, but until it was completely out of his system, they couldn't be sure.

I was scared.  There had been no signs of actual violence, but this was so unknown. Overall, Friday evening was uneventful, though.  The most alarming part was when we realized that this poor six year old boy is already missing most of his teeth -- not due to losing them for adult teeth, but because of poor dental hygiene -- and that underneath his two week old clothes, he has the body of a refugee...we assume due to malnourishment.

We were a bit taken aback when he didn't want to wear his new Minion jammies, for fear of bugs, but he was more than happy to borrow some of Charlie's Olaf jammies, and promptly fell into a deep sleep.

Saturday was considerably more eventful, but not in a bad way.  A and Charlie spent most of the day alternating between the lego table and the backyard -- sometimes playing together, more often apart.  They did nearly come to blows mid afternoon, and A broke into a clear tantrum when Jason was trying to talk to him, but after beautiful patience, Jason was able to get a high five from him.

Amazingly (to the parents of a non-napper), during his 5 minutes of "consequence" time in his room, A fell into a very deep sleep.  Jason was finally able to wake him up about 90 minutes later, for a fun evening of cookie decorating and Emmet Otter's Jugband Christmas, but I have never known a child to sleep so hard.

Unfortunately, I let the events of the day cloud my mind and I forgot his medication last night.  I know this can throw any child into a talespin, but to have done so to a child just adjusting to a new medication was completely negligent.

God has been very merciful, though, and A woke up bright-eyed and cheerful today.  He's been joyful and talkative and hungry since 7:00 this morning the way a six year old boy should be -- as I type this, he, Jason, Charlie and George have a dog pile in the middle of the floor and shrieks abound all around.

A did fall into another very deep sleep during church today, but rallied right after.  I honestly wonder if these naps are a coping mechanism that his life has forced him to develop in stressful situations -- he was quite intimidated being in a different church with different people, music and all -- but that is for the experts to determine.

This afternoon A joined us for our small Christmas at mom's and it was a lego and sugar filled extravaganza.  Mom and I had snuck out yesterday to get him a few small gifts, which seemed to be perfect fits all around.  In fact, he loved the Thor lego set so much (he'd told us he has a dog named Thor) that he offered Charlie the comic book that came with it as a gift.  Jason and I almost teared up.

Such a lesson to me.  God's plans for our weekend were so much better than my own.  Thankfully, Jason is a better listener than I am sometimes.

Many are the plans in the mind of a man, 
but it is the purposes of the Lord that will stand.

(Proverbs 19:21)

Different

This weekend has been quite different than our other two respite experiences.  From the first moment, Charlie and B have not really hit it off -- no animosity or drama, just nothing in common.

It took us a while to figure it out, but despite the fact that B is the same height as Charlie, he just turned five a month ago!  Looking at him, we were all expecting him to behave like a six-year-old, but in reality he's much closer to four than six!  Between his size and the fact that he is very advanced for his age, we didn't put it all together until Saturday sometime, but that really helped us understand why the two boys had little in common.

That said, it has been a good weekend.  B has really seemed to enjoy going camping with us, and while things have been different he is a sweet boy.

At any point this weekend when I might have regretted making such a big change for our annual trip, I've reminded myself that this is the only way foster parents can get any time away.  The foster care system doesn't allow them to use friends or neighbors or family members to babysit unless those people have gone through a foster-care specific background check.

For a lot of these moms (and I say moms, because in our limited experience it seems that most foster parents are single moms), respite care is the only way they can get care for their children outside of school or daycare.  How much do I and other moms take for granted the hour or two here or there that these women just don't get?!?!

This truth has been a good reminder for me when I've been struck by how different our annual Festival of Lights camping trip has been this year.  In fact, I'm starting to wonder if perhaps this will be our family's primary purpose for the time being -- to offer fun and family-filled weekends to these children whose foster mother's truly need to rest and recharge in order to continue raising these children day in and day out.

Of course, when I finally got a hold of B's foster mom this afternoon she didn't ask how he was doing and hesitated to pin down any sort of time when she might make it to our house to pick him up, instead focusing on her long drive and the fact that our home isn't very convenient to her.  That was certainly unexpected.  After a weekend women's retreat in the mountains my fairy tale heart had expected her to be excited and rejuvenated and rushing back to B.

There is far more to life that I don't understand than that I do...

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.

(Proverbs 3:5)

Uncertainty...

Foster care is teaching me a lot of different things about God, family, Jason, Charlie, and most startlingly, myself.  I have always known that I like to feel in "control", but I really had no idea how important it was to me.

In approximately five hours we will be getting either one or two children for respite this weekend -- we don't know for sure yet.  We know their names, but nothing else.  We're taking them camping, but don't know if they like the outdoors or will have warm enough clothes or sleep well at night or will get along with Charlie.  We are planning two fun, peaceful days at the park but don't know if they have allergies or fears.  We have camp meals planned but don't know what they eat.  We are trying to track down at least one spare bike but don't know if they ride bikes.

Most importantly, we don't know why they are in foster care -- what they've been through, what they fear, what they remember, what they hope for.

I don't like that.  I am realizing that I not only value, but idolize timeliness and lists and plans and menus and habit and tradition and knowing.

Thankfully, I do know that God created me.  He works all things for good.  Jason loves me.  Charlie is our heart.  I guess beyond that I will just have to trust, and lest I feel like I deserve more certainty, I always have Paul to put me in my place...

"...asking that somehow by God's will I may now at last succeed..."

(Romans 1:10)

Nothing...then something...

Last Friday we got a call while we were on the way to the fair...for a placement.  Not a respite, but an actual placement.

C is a 5 year old boy who has been malnourished and is somewhere on the autism spectrum.  We thought maybe this was finally the one.  Justice called DSS back to clarify how a child could be both "non-verbal" and "verbally aggressive" (as his filed stated) and express our interest, but they never called back.  We had hoped to maybe hear something Monday morning when DSS offices opened up again, but no.

We have found out that this means that they likely went on to another agency as soon as they gave the referral to Bair.

I hope that they found a good home for C, but I also selfishly worry hat future placements may slip through our hands in the same way...

Thankfully, we have a respite to cheer us up.  This weekend B, another 5 year old boy, will be joining us on our annual camping trip to James Island County Park for the Christmas lights.  B has an older sister with anxiety issues, so they are working to find her someone who can come to her foster home to watch her, because they think that being away from her own home will be too hard.  I hope that being away from his sister isn't too hard on B.  I hope that he enjoys the weekend.  I hope...

The Lord takes pleasure in those who fear Him,

in those who hope in His steadfast love.

(Psalm 147:11)

Just What I Needed

My Caller ID showed that Bair was calling right after I got to work this morning, but the school phone was ringing at the same time, so I had to let it go to voicemail.

Then this and that happened, so it was a full hour before I could check my voicemail -- during which time I was able to email with Jason and we decided that we are up for respite this weekend but not next, etc, etc.

Well, when I went to check my voicemail it wouldn't work.  It says "the Verizon customer you are trying to reach is unavailable".  Well, I naturally escalated that issue to Jason and just called Bair directly.

They connected me to Z's case manager, so I assumed we'd get him to come stay again sometime soon, but it's even better!  Z is having a birthday party next Saturday and he wants Charlie to come!

Nothing could have lifted my spirits more than this.

May the hope of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, 

so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.

(Romans 15:13)

Exactly a Year

October 29, 2014

Thank you for your interest in N. Her adoption specialist is CH. You may contact her at x@dss.sc.gov for more information.


which led to a phone call during which we found out the only way to adopt an "older child" (non-infant) in SC, is through foster care... Four days later we attended a foster care information session at our church.


November 3, 2014

Dear Jennifer,
Thanks so much for reaching out to The Bair Foundation for more information on becoming a Foster Parent! We are excited to speak with you more. A packet of information will be put in the mail within 48 hours...

Sincerely, 
The Bair Foundation


which led to lots of prayer, documentation, home visits, etc...


August 3, 2015

Jennifer,
Hope you had a wonderful vacation and glad to hear you are home safe and sound.
Your packet has been approved by the licensing agent! Her supervisor just has to sign the final license. We should be getting the e-mail with your license any day now, but we know that you are approved! Praise the Lord! We will keep praying now that He will lead and guide as we look for a child to be placed in your home.

Congratulations!

GK
Electronic Records Trainer
Foster Care Secretary 
The Bair Foundation


which was followed by a couple of difficult phone calls and our two wonderful respite visits. Between which I went back out to the DSS website where we had first found N.  She was back, as well as a little four year old boy (Charlie's hope).


October 5, 2015

J,

I have a somewhat strange question...

A year ago when we first started to consider adoption, I sawa little girl on the DSS website and just fell in love.  It was actually through an inquiry on her that I found out that to adopt "older" children in SC you needed to go through the foster system, which ultimately led us to Bair --which has been a tremendous blessing.

The little girl's name is N, and of course I knew almost nothing about her.  Long before we were licensed, she was gone from the website, but over the past year plus I have thought of her often and have been praying for her.

We have had such a wonderful experience with T this weekend and will miss him dearly, and I already told L, but we would definitely like to be first on the list should he ever need additional respite care.  But, this evening for the first time in a long time I looked at the DSS site again -- and N is back, still listed as needing a forever home.

I know this isn't how any of this works, but do you all know anything about N?  Her case # is SCS-0000xxxxxx.  

That said, I also notice that there is a 4 year old little boy on the site named J who is also in need of a forever family. His case # is SCS-000xxxxxx.

I trust that God will bring us whatever child He has planned for us, but  with N having been on my heart for over a year and Charlie hoping for a 4 year old little brother, I just couldn't resist asking if you all knew anything about either of these children?  If either is being placed through Bair?

Thanks,
Jason & Jenny

October 7, 2015

Good afternoon,

I am so glad that you had a good first experience doing respite care with T. I saw him at the office yesterday briefly and it was great to see him smiling and more open in regards to communication which I attribute to his positive interactions with families like your own. Thank you so much for your willingness to do that respite.

The two children that you referenced in regards to the DSS Adoptions site might not be/ have been referred to The Bair Foundation if they are considered 'Basic' level children. That simply means that they do not have a diagnosis and therefore would not fall into the therapeutic category, which is our focus here. We typically do not receive a call for the basic level children unless they are part of a sibling group where one is therapeutic and in that case we try our best to keep the sibling group together.

Unfortunately I do not have any additional information to provide you about N or J as my contacts at DSS are mainly with Foster Care Services and not on the Adoptions side. Please let me know if you ever have any other questions and I will be glad to try and answer them for you.

JL
Intake Coordinator
The Bair Foundation


October 18, 2015

Dear Jason Batliner Jennifer Batliner, 
Thank you for your inquiry about the children waiting for adoption in South Carolina. A representative from the regional adoption office will contact you to give you information about the adoption process here in South Carolina. Again, thank you for your interest in our children and for choosing adoption as an option to expand your family.

Please do not reply to this email, no one monitors this address.
Best Regards,
SC Seedlings


October 26, 2015

Your message to x@dss.sc.gov couldn't be delivered.

C.Q wasn't found at dss.sc.gov and I would like to thank you for your interest in adopting N. If you would like to be considered as a potential adoptive resource, please have your worker send me a copy of your approved adoptive study by email to: x@dss.sc.gov  Thank you again for you interest in our adoption program and your willingness to make a difference in the lives of our children. JP Adoption Specialist SCDSS Region I Adoption Services and J, Thank you so much for getting back to me.  Before I contact Bair (the agency through whom we're licensed), do I need to ask them to make any special notations or take additional steps since N isn't one of their cases?  We just want to be sure to do everything correctly. Thanks! Jenny Batliner and G, Thank you!  He did, and we have not picked up a book yet.  I will try to do that in the next day or two -- and will bring in or he will email the Auto Insurance.  Do you all just need a copy of the little card he carries in his glove box? Also, this is kind of a long story, but almost exactly a year ago we found a little girl on the DSS website.  Through our inquiries regarding her, we were actually led to foster care and Bair, realizing and hoping that she would be permanently placed long before we were licensed, which appeared to be true.  Surprisingly, though, N reappeared on the site just a couple weeks ago -- still in need of a forever home. I contacted J a couple weeks ago, but he didn't have any information since N has not been referred to Bair for placement.  After some additional prayer, I went ahead and submitted a second inquiry online, but didn't hear anything for over a week.  Finally today, I sent an email to the lady who contacted us back a year ago, and I just received a note from another lady within DSS with very little information, but requesting that we have you all send her a copy of our approved adoptive study by email to: x@dss.sc.gov . I feel like we are circumventing the Bair processes and placements, and that is definitely not our desire.  We truly love working with you all, but N has been on my heart and in my prayers since October 2014, and I just need to do everything I can to make sure/find out that she is in a safe, loving home -if at all possible. Would you be the one to send our study to Ms P?  If so, is there anything else you need from me? Thanks! Jenny and Jennifer, Yes, all I need is a copy of the card. Regarding N, they cannot use the home study that we did because ours is for fostering only. However, do you have any other information regarding her? Do you know if she is a foster-to-adopt child or if she is therapeutic? If so, there is a possibility that we could help to get her placed in your home as a foster child with the plan to adopt her. Just let us know any information you have on her. Thanks, GK Electronic Records Trainer Foster Care Secretary The Bair Foundation and G, I really don't know any more about N than is on the DSS website (I've attached a screen shot).  It doesn't really say regarding foster to adopt or not, and doesn't mention anything about being therapeutic, either, I'm afraid.  Her Case # is SCS #00000xxxx. Any direction you can provide would be great! And I will be by tomorrow or Wed with the insurance and to borrow a book. Thanks! Jenny October 27, 2015 Ms. Batliner, I am no longer the adoption specialist on this case, however I have forwarded your email to N’s current Adoption Specialist JP and her supervisor CC. Thank you, CH Adoption Supervisor Region I Adoptions and Ms H, Thank you so much for getting back to me!  Ms P actually emailed me yesterday morning.  I have given her information to our contact at Bair (GK). G was initially concerned that since we are licensed to foster to adopt through them, our home study may not work.  I sent her N's case number and write-up, though, and she was going to try to look into whether or not N would be eligible for foster to adopt.  I am hoping that she contacted J yesterday at some point, but right now just waiting to hear. Thank you again! Jenny and Good afternoon, I just wanted to let you know that I've reached out to DSS Region III Adoptions to find out more in regards to N and will be in contact with you once I have a response.    Respectfully, JL, MCJ Intake Coordinator The Bair Foundation October 29, 2015 Good Morning, Ms Batliner,                  I wanted to inform you that at this time I have not receive contact from GK and I will be out of the office from October 30, 2015 through November 09, 2015. JP Adoption Specialist SCDSS Region I Adoption Services and Ms P, Thank you so much for letting me know!  I have no idea what happened. Jason actually spoke to J at Bair yesterday morning and he mentioned that he had made some calls.  I reached out to them as soon as I got your email and copied you.  I truly hope that they get the information to you before you leave town -- and also that you have a wonderful vacation. :) Do you happen to know if the fact that our home study was for foster to adopt, rather than straight adoption will be a hindrance in this situation? Thanks! Jenny and G & J, Please see below.  Is there any way we can get our info to JP today -- even though it's a Foster to Adopt home study rather than the other?  She will be out of the office tomorrow through November 9. Jenny and Jennifer, I just called JP and left her a voicemail. I will try to help with anything that I can, however, I did find out that it is against Bair's policy to give out the home study that we completed. If there is anything else that I can help her with I will be more than happy to assist her. GK Electronic Records Trainer Foster Care Secretary The Bair Foundation and Ms P, Now knowing Bair's policy regarding the home study -- is there anything we can do?  We are licensed to foster to adopt through the state -- and I can provide that license number as soon as I get home this afternoon, but I am hoping we're not stuck without the home study? Jenny and, finally Mr. and Mrs. Batliner,                 At the moment I am talking with G from Bair Foundation. She informed me that you are license for foster care and do not have an approved adoptive home study but wish to adopt. We did talk about your child factor check list that you have filled out for your foster care license to see if it could potential be a match with N. After discussing the factors that you have indicated, we believe that N would not be a match with your family due to the severity of her needs. I do wish you well on your pursue of adoption and encourage you to complete an adoptive home study, which you can get started by calling Heartfelt Calling at 888-828-3555.    JP Adoption Specialist SCDSS Region I Adoption Services By today I was fairly convinced that the whole last year had been a long process to adopt the little girl who kicked off our journey.  I completely bought in to the worldly drama of it being "exactly one year".   Even now I'm feeling very torn.  Why isn't she a fit?  Is it really a bad fit?  Should we be asking more questions?  Should we be pushing?  Should we throw out our parameters altogether for the little face whose been in my prayers for a year. But my prayer has always been that she find the loving, safe, Christian home that God intends for her.   Much prayer went into selecting as broad of parameters as we could and still feel that Charlie is protected and that whatever child God brings us would be a good fit for us. I guess now I will just continue to pray that N finds a loving, safe, Christian home, but start to pray that if our parameters are wrong and our effort to have a good fit is leading to disobedience, God will set us straight. And I've had to remind myself that this wasn't all for nothing.  I have to remember that when we started down this road a year ago we didn't think N would join our family because we hopefully assumed she would find a home much sooner.  We didn't do this to bring her home.  We've done all this for T and for Z and for all the other children God will bring us...I just have to figure out how to remember that.

Dynamic...

This new (albeit temporary) dynamic of having two six-year-old boys instead of one is quite interesting -- and I'm guessing the fact that they are both incredibly imaginative and strong willed is making it even more so.

This morning at 6:14, it was bliss.  I heard each of them open his door and use the restroom, then they graciously disappeared up to the playroom for almost an hour!  A Saturday morning in bed until 7:00 is a miracle around here.

Of course, the tears and screams every time one of them hits the others car with his or picks up the toy the first was thinking of picking up is less blissful.  But on the flipside, the hour it just took them to clean up the mess they made in Charlie's room motivated me to vacuum and polish the appliance -- things I never would have done on a Saturday afternoon if it were just Charlie and me.

I'm starting to see that while moms of multiple children (at least wild boys) spend inordinate amounts of time talking them down to a level calm enough to resolve their many spats, they also have fits and starts of time of forced productivity -- you can't exactly crash on the couch and watch Dateline when they're running the house on a rainy afternoon, but you also don't have to provide entertainment.

One minute I feel like a "normal" Saturday sounds so nice and peaceful and the next I'm enjoying the sounds of wild giggles and the gleam of stainless steel.  It's all very interesting...

Now there are varieties of gifts, but the same Spirit; and there are varieties of service, but the same Lord; and there are varieties of activities, but it is the same God who empowers them all in everyone.

(I Corinthians 12:4-6)

Heartbreak and Joy

Last night in the car...

Z: My daddy's name is Jason, too.
C: Really?  Where is he?
Z: He's dead.
C: Silence
Z: He went to prison.
C: What did he do?
Mom: Freaking out!  What do I say?  How do I change the subject? Charlie Bear, sometimes we don't know why things happen.
Z: Long pause.  Probably for fighting with my mom.
C: Oh...
At this point I threw in some nonsense about that's why we tell children not to fight, blah, blah, blah... I definitely need to figure out how to handle these probing, difficult conversations...

-----

This afternoon at school...

C: Mom, the question of the day today is "are you the oldest in your family?" And I said "No!" because while Z is here, I'm not!

Mom: Again, more nonsense from me, glowing with joy for my sweet boy, I'm sure it made little if any sense.  And I thought I was a fairly good communicator!

Eaves Dropping...

Z: Mr Jason said...
C: Z, you know, you can call my dad, "Daddy" while you're here.  I think that might make him really happy.
Silence
C: So what are you going to call him?
Mommy: Buddy, he can call Daddy whatever makes him comfortable, "Mr Jason" or  "Daddy".  He doesn't have to decide toni--
Z: quietly I know what I'm going to call him.  "Daddy."  What about your mom?  What should I call her?
C: Oh, her.  You can call her anything, "Miss Jenny," "Miss Jen," "Miss Jennifer" or "Mom".
Z: "Miss Jen"??
C: Yeah.  So are you going to go with "Mom and Dad"?
Z: Yeah.  "Mom and Dad"

So far, so good...

Z has been here for approximately 7 minutes...  After Charlie quizzed him on whether or not he believes in Jesus, eats beans and likes firetrucks...

C: "You're the best brother!  You know, we're not just friends.  While you're staying here, we're part-time brothers."
Z: Ok!

And off they ran...

Out of the mouth of babies and infants, 

you have established strength because of your foes,

to still the enemy and the avenger.

(Psalm 8:2)

Round 2

When my caller ID showed Bair yesterday afternoon I assumed it was some sort of follow-up on T's paperwork (as in...I'd made some sort of mistake), so imagine my surprise when another case worker asked me if we could take Z for the weekend!

Z is a 6 year old boy in care here in West Ashley whose foster mom is going on her once yearly trip with her girlfriends.  In foster care, you cannot have friends/family watch your children unless they have gone through the process of being approved, so kids go to respite in these situations.

My first instinct was to say, "no."  After all, we had dropped T off less than a day before!  Then it occurred to me that though our family is small, we manage to fill up virtually every weekend, so since we had the availability this weekend...

Thankfully upon texting Jason, he felt exactly the same way.  There are no words for how grateful I am that moment by moment we have been on the very same page ever since May.  We definitely reached the ultimate decision to foster at different paces, and I was actually struggling with that difference last Spring.  Then one evening we went to an event at the James Island Yacht Club with some friends and ran into a couple from church.

Once we learned that they had just come back from cruising the great loop (Jason's dream), we were fast friends, and through the course of conversation I shared my desire to be on the same page.  She prayed for that very thing at that very moment amidst all the hubbub of the yacht club, and ever since Jason and I have been right in step.  It's amazing!

So, yesterday's phone call is where the rubber met the road for both of us.  We had to decide if we were really committed to being obedient and walking the walk or if we were going to let ourselves rest on one good weekend.  And honestly, for me at least, it wasn't an easy decision.  Forty-eight hours is a quicker turnaround than I had ever expected...or wanted.

But in God's great plan, he gave us T who slept on top of the comforter under a blanket all last weekend (no idea why...but I don't have to change the sheets!  woohoo!), so it's more than doable.

Z should arrive this evening around 4:30 and we get to keep him until Tuesday morning. Having two six year olds for six days is definitely going to be an experience, and I'm trying not to dread it.  I've realized recently that that is one of my greatest sins.  In order to set myself up to not be disappointed, I assume things are going to go badly, then I can pat myself on the back when they don't.  Oh ME of little faith!

Z has been in foster care for years and landed there due to neglect, unlike T who was only 2 weeks in and landed there due to teenage angst.
Z is 6, T is 16.
Z will have to go to school, T stayed during the flood.
It will be a vastly different weekend, but I trust that God's plan is still perfect, and His blessing will be just as great -- albeit different.

For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, 

which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.

(Ephesians 2:10)

"I want to keep him"

...said Charlie -- voicing my inner thoughts.

T has only been with us since Thursday evening, and compared to our household, is extremely quiet, but we couldn't have asked for a better fostering experience.

We have been blessed with the opportunity to get to know a sweet, funny, respectful, kind boy who loves to play basketball and eat spicy food, is great with kids and doesn't get fidgety or grumpy, even stuck in a stranger's house for 4 days straight!

We really are so tremendously grateful to have had T here the past few days.  Charlie will be distraught tomorrow when we have to take him back to Bair -- and the only thing that will save me from the same (at least I hope), is knowing I can trust that God has placed him with his foster family purposefully, for his and their good.  I will continue to pray for him, and hope that should he ever need respite care we will be top of the list.  Jason is planning to give him his cell phone number in case he ever needs anything.

Our family won't be remembering this weekend as the weekend God sent the great flood to Charleston, but as the weekend God sent T to us.

Even if He were to choose not to place any more children with us, all of the paperwork and planning and training and praying would have been so well worth it for these past four days.

That said, the experience does have us even more convinced that we want our home to be open to more blessings.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, 

"plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and future."

(Jeremiah 29:11)

Not what I expected...

So...this is nuts.  T is quite possibly the most polite 16 year old boy I've ever met, helpful, kind, everything.  He spent yesterday evening and this morning (Rain Day!  Yay!  No School!) playing blocks, hangman, Clue, basketball and I Spy with Charlie, Jason and me.

He went to bed at the end of the Royals game, woke up around 7:30 this morning and politely asked if it was a good time to shower, patiently sat with Charlie in the waiting room while I visited the chiropractor, the list goes on and on.

I know this is only a respite visit and this must be atypical, but it is truly amazing how God is blessing us with such a wonderful weekend.  Clearly we have lots of people praying for us.

Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, 

that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

(Hebrews 4:16)

Today's the Day

T should arrive this evening sometime around 5:00 or so.  It's raining cats and dogs throughout Charleston right now, so traffic may delay him a bit.  Actually though, that might be best.  We're watching the children of some good friends this afternoon, so from 4:30 to 6:30 we're going to have an 11 year old, a 6 year old, a 5 year old, a 3 year old and a 2 year old at our house...

I am hopeful that all the commotion will make T's arrival easier for him -- less awkward silence, being the center of attention, etc.  Plus, mom is bringing over brownies, so that should make everyone happy.

Unfortunately our weekend plans have changed.  With Hurricane Joaquin off the east coast, we're expecting rain straight through Sunday morning, so even though the camper would keep us all dry, it's a bit small to spend all day Saturday and Sunday.  Again, this may be a blessing, though.  Per his caseworker, T was a bit hesitant about the idea of camping.  He'll probably be over the moon when she picks him up from school in a little while and tells him.

Otherwise, everything is moving forward as planned.  I am a bit nervous that T's host family's cruise may be cancelled, but we haven't heard anything.

So crazy to think that today is the day we get to take the giant step from wanting to do something to doing something!

Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth.

(I John 3:18)

We said "Yes!"

It's just respite, but we finally got to say, "yes!"

When I first heard the voicemail from Bair, I thought we were going to have to decline again, because it's over the weekend we're going camping with some friends, but through a frenzy of back and forth texts and IMs with Jason (in God's perfect, yet inexplicable timing I got the call on the way to school today, the one day of the week I have 3 classes and Jason has back to back to back to back meetings), we decided to at least ask if we could take him camping, and they said, "yes!"

So, T is a 16 year old boy.  He has a foster family in the area, but they have a commitment to a family event out of the country, and you can't take foster kids out of the country, so we get him for a few days!

Please pray for all of us.  T has had a hard life.  His father is dead.  His mother is in prison.  His grandparents raised him, but have passed away.  He was passed on to some other relatives who weren't equipped to care for a teenage boy, so he's landed in foster care -- and for a brief season he'll be in our home.

Please pray that we will love him and make him feel loved.  Please pray that we will all be physically well during this time, so we can treat him to a wonderful, family camping trip.  And most importantly, please thank God for working all things together so that we could share a few days with this boy.

I'm so excited!

"Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change."

(James 1:17)

Another call...

Bair called again.  And bless Justice, it took him a long time to get to his point...which was just to set up a time for our quarterly home inspection...sigh...

So, no...we weren't placed with our child this week while Jason was MIA, but we sure did get enough phone calls to make me think we were going to.

I did figure out during those long seconds on the phone, though, that I'm ready for this.  All this waiting has, at the very least, worked to overcome my fears.  I am now actually more excited than scared!

Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!

(Psalm 27:14)

Bair just called...

I almost had a heart attack.  I know I said I thought they would call while Jason was on his Canadian expedition, but when the phone actually rang, I was stunned.

...but they just needed to follow up on a signature that was missed.  No referral.

He did assure me that we're at the top of the list for referrals 5, and we're also on the list for respite care, but nothing today.

I'm fairly sure that the fact that this involves so much waiting is a clear sign that I still have a long way to go with that whole patience virtue.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

(Jeremiah 29:11)

The Next Best Thing

This is such an exciting day!  A family who is close to us (they go to our church, I work with the Dad, teach two of the daughters and got to know the mom much better last week at the Women's Retreat) just found out that they will be placed with two little boys today!

They have three biological daughters at home and will be adding  three year old and four year old little boys to their family today.  I don't know if they are foster to adopt -- they hoping to adopt, but also open to standard fostering -- but I do know that these boys are going to be extremely blessed.

The mom and I were chatting just last Saturday morning about our different plans and how we both had already figured out sleeping arrangements and furniture (much to hour husbands' amusement).  She had even purchased and set up bunk beds, while I'm still working on getting Jason to let me buy the trundle/storage/day bed that I want.  And today she's getting two boys!!!  How crazy and exciting is that!?!?!

They've already signed the older boy up for Jr Lions Volleyball that starts next week.  It's just so exciting to know what a beautiful plan God has for these two boys and this lovely family -- and to realize that our day could come at any time!

"Whoever receives one such child in my name receives me, and whoever receives me, receives not me but Him who sent me."

(Mark 9:37)

"Hard"

"Doing" was a key theme at our Women's Retreat this week, and as it was a group of many current, former and future moms, foster care and adoption were recurring topics.

It was all at once incredibly humbling, exciting, inspirational and terrifying.  Did you know many people have actual gotten "the call" and kids have come to live in their homes?!?!? 

I know...that's the whole point, but something about these women's stories made it real, that not only are we going to look forward to, fear, pray about and prepare for children, they will actually arrive one day and we'll get to love them.  Crazy!

Also, many of these women have said goodbye to children they've loved -- some knew all along that it was a temporary arrangement, but that didn't make it any easier.  Once you've loved a child, you love that child for good.  We dearly hope to foster to adopt, but just because that is our hope doesn't mean it's God's plan.

And...they still don't regret it...even for their biological children's sake.  Their children survived and flourished not only the arrival and learning to share, but the departure and learning to let go.  

I learned so much...but mostly that it's going to be hard.  Hard to wait.  Hard to say no. Hard to say yes.  Hard to adjust.  Hard to get to know.  Hard to fit in.  Hard to get through.  Hard to balance. Hard to sleep.  Hard to love.  Hard to like.  Hard to understand.  Hard to communicate.  Hard to prioritize.  Hard to schedule.  Hard to afford. Hard to rest.

Then I came home to my boys waiting on the porch for me, and we went back to our regular life as a family of three.  This afternoon my sweet Charlie brought in the mail after school, as he always does, and there was a short note of blessing and encouragement from a mentor and friend, with a gift to help us through the hard.

It's going to be hard...but I'm surrounded by women who've lived the hard and will love us through it. Amazing.

Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial; for once he has been approved he will receive the crown of life which the Lord has promised to those who love Him... But prove yourselves doers of the word, and not merely hearers who delude themselves...Pure and undefiled religion in the sight of our God and Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their distress, and to keep oneself unstained by the world.

(James 1:12,22,27)

False Alarms

Yesterday afternoon as Charlie and I loaded up to come home I noticed a missed call from Bair -- from 11:27 that morning!!! (Who knew I checked my phone so infrequently?!? (hush, Mom and Jason...no comment necessary...))

Anyway, there was a missed call but not message.  Trying to be safe, I didn't call while driving, but did manage to check my email at a red light (oops!).  I had an email from Bair, too.

Sadly, it turned out to be just a notification that Jason's CPR certification will expire in November, so he needs to sign up for one of their free classes (pretty cool service), but not a referral.

I am realizing that as much as I told myself and others that there could very likely be a long wait due to our parameters, I really didn't believe it.  Waiting is very hard for me (ergo very necessary, I know).

Realistically, we have two more significant disappointments coming up, too.  Jason and I have joked that since no child arrived the first week of school, the call is bound to come while I'm away at our church's women's retreat this weekend.  Or even more likely, while Jason is completely off the grid in the wilds of Ontario in a few weeks -- after all, that is when I got my job offer last year.

So, if waiting is what God has in store, I am likely to have a few disheartened days coming up...

-------

Aaaaaaack!  Now I think God may just be having a little fun at my expense (not that He's not entitled, but seriously!).

I was just googling to find the verse that I was planning to post about making plans, blah, blah, blah  when Jason IM'd and asked if I'd seen his text.  I said, "No," because my phone is in the kitchen and has been since we got home from school about 40 minutes ago.

Well, 35 minutes ago, Bair called!  Seriously!  But it's another false alarm.  It is a call for respite care for this weekend.  Typically, I would love the opportunity, but I've already committed to leading a small group at the women's retreat this weekend, and while I would definitely drop those plans for a long term placement, I don't think it's the right thing to do for just a weekend.  Sigh...

I surely hope that I am learning a lot and growing a lot through this, because the emotions are nearly overwhelming...

"Come now, you who say, 'Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit'--yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring.  What is your life?  For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes.  Instead you ought to say, 'If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.'"  

(James 4:13-15)

A Time for Every Purpose

I suppose I'm a bit of a paradox (Jason would probably say in many, many ways), but most of the time I love nothing more than giving and/or throwing things away -- my things, Jason's things, especially Charlie's things.  I can't stand clutter and don't like to clean, so it's always seemed to me the less we own the better.

In fact, we have a hard and fast rule -- no more hangars.  If any of us gets a new shirt or pants or other, we have to put an old one in the donation pile.  I refuse to buy new hangars.

That said, tucked away in the attic I have been treasuring boxes and bins and bags of little boy clothes for over six years.  The collection began as soon as we put away Charlie's newborn clothes, and I added some 5 year old items just today.

At first it was a very practical decision, as having finally been blessed with Charlie we were joyfully expecting more children.  Then as years passed it became a hopeful choice, and eventually more of a talisman...one last prayer that we would add to our family "naturally".

And in truth, I had no thought of breaking into the trove until our pastor's wife posted a simple question on Facebook this morning:

Benjamin is growing like a weed! Anyone have any summer 6 month, or winter 12 month boy clothes?

I immediately thought of our bursting bins and discovered that I'm ready to start parting with the baby clothes.

You see, I realized not long ago that the clothes had ultimately become a matter of pride. I planned to descend upon some destitute or otherwise hapless expectant mother and overwhelm her with years of clothes and toys and blankets...effectively saving the day and becoming the hero.  An idea that started with a desire to bless someone morphed into a self-righteous fairy tale with me as the hero.  It's embarrassing to admit, but true.

So today I responded to the post, took out the bins and am about to finish folding the adorable, sweet memories and load them into bags to deliver to a wonderful mother, who is in no way destitute, but in need of a few onesies, and will surely pass them on herself one day.  No swooping, no heroes, and surprisingly, no tears.

It seems I'm learning to let go of not only unnecessary baggage, but also ungracious dreams...


...practically we are still  holding onto the older things, as we look forward to the next referral, just in case Charlie's prayers are answered and it is a boy (We have had to explain to him that whatever age and sex it is, the child will not be renamed Charlie Jr. -- and no, we won't think about it).

Orientation

As office assistant and a new first-year teacher, yesterday was one of the busiest days of my year -- and I accidentally left my phone in the car.

Between putting the final touches on the Spanish classroom and helping finalize K4 - 7th grade class rosters, last minute enrollments and student handbooks, I just never made it back out to get it and in the course of four and a half hours missed six phone calls -- four from Bair and two from Jason.

We had another referral.

This one didn't come close to meeting our specifications, but Melissa, the director at Bair, called us to test the waters because they were specifically looking for a Caucasian, two-parent home for a sibling group.  The girl, 13 years old, and boy, 8 years old, need a temporary home while the paperwork is being processed to move them permanently to Indiana.

Last Thursday their parents blew up a hotel room with them in it while cooking meth. Everyone survived physically, but mom and dad are going to jail and daughter and son's lives will never be the same.

And we said no.

Jason and I are having a hard time with this.  These two children clearly need a healthy, safe home.  According to Melissa they are extremely well-behaved and adjusted in spite of their home life.  They just need to be loved and cared for.

And we said no.

To be honest, neither of us even wavered.  We believe so strongly in three parameters:
1 - Charlie remains the oldest
2 - We do not bring in more than one child at a time
3 - We bring in only children who are very likely to stay permanently

But when faced with real children in real crisis, it is so very hard to stick to our convictions and do what we believe to be "best for Charlie."

Thankfully, by the time I got the scoop from Jason and called Melissa back, they had a temporary solution until the children can go back to Indiana -- but what about next time?

I realized yesterday that I really hadn't expected to have to say no to any more referrals.  I naively (or hopefully?  or lazily?) assumed that we would go through the process and God would reward us with a perfect fit -- that last week's referral was more of a hoop to jump through than a reality of the process.

Last night Jason and I began a completely different orientation than the one at JICS. We grew in our understanding of how real this is, how hard this is, how important this is, and how aware we need to be of what really matters -- and that we may very likely be called on to flex one or more of our parameters for the child meant for our family.

Yesterday wasn't that day...but I pray that when it comes we are in agreement, confident and obedient.

Consider it all joy, my brothers, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance.  And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete lacking in nothing.  

But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given him.

(James 1:2-5)

Very real...very fast...

Yikes!

Pulling out of the grocery store this morning I received my first referral call from Bair -- just three hours after we found out we're approved!

Justice, the intake coordinator at Bair, called to introduce himself, discuss our perameters and discuss the referral -- in that order.  (We had known the previous intake coordinator, Jason, fairly well, but he moved on to be a fishing captain).

Prior to giving any details Justice asked me to reiterate our priorities, and I told him we're hoping for a child younger than Charlie, ready to be adopted, who can participate in our relatively active lifestyle.  He then told me that the child he has is not a fit for us, talked through some more logistics with me and that was it.  No pressure.  No guilt...at least until I hung up.

I guess I didn't really think we'd be turning down any referrals.  At first it really made me question our dedication to obeying God's will in this.

Then Jason and I looked up the "available children" on the DSS website, and based on our simple, but narrow requirements, were able to see who we think Justice called about.  "M" is a 2 year old little boy who loves to smile...but requires constant care for physical and developmental disabilities, including leg braces, various therapies and a feeding tube.

I believe that Justice is right.  "M" wouldn't be a good fit for us and Charlie.  Jason agrees.  But it's just so hard.

This isn't a fairy tale where we're going to swoop in and save the day to a dramatic song...these are real children needing homes and Charlie is a real child needing us...and we may just be in over our heads.

O, Lord, my heart is not lifted up; my eyes are not raised too high;

I do not occupy myself with things too great and too marvelous for me.

But I have calmed and quieted my soul, like a weaned child with its mother;

like a weaned child is my soul within me.

O Israel, hope in the Lord from this time forth and forevermore.

(Psalm 131)

Approved

Jennifer,
 Hope you had a wonderful vacation and glad to hear you are home safe and sound.Your packet has been approved by the licensing agent! Her supervisor just has to sign the final license. We should be getting the e-mail with your license any day now, but we know that you are approved! Praise the Lord! We will keep praying now that He will lead and guide as we look for a child to be placed in your home.  Congratulations!
Grace E. Kerr
Foster Care Secretary
The Bair Foundation

While the email is short and oh so sweet, its prologue has been has been long and winding, filled with love, lost pregnancies, uncertainty, hope, much prayer, and finally, obedience.

Jason and I have always believed that God created us for a larger family, but it took us years to realize that the simple way may not be His plan for us.  Clearly, we don't know when or even if we will welcome a little brother or sister into our home, but if being "Approved" means we're "ready"...then I suppose we're as ready as we'll ever be.

So now we wait...joyfully, expectantly, with just a dash of terror...

Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world. 
(James 1:27)