Then Friday morning around 8:20 I received an apologetic call from DSS. She "should" have called me Thursday afternoon, but didn't. M had an appointment at 10:00 in North Charleston at the DSS office to sit down with her foster mom! Ummm... at this point M was still asleep, and Charlie and I were supposed to be heading off to swim lessons in less than an hour! Thankfully, mom was more than happy to take Charlie to swim lessons, so M and I were able to make it up to North Charleston with time to spare.
As we drove, we discussed her concerns and questions...all of which boiled down to wondering why her foster mom would have left her in the hospital a week longer than necessary and still not been there at discharge. I couldn't come up with any possible reasons, but encouraged M to keep asking questions in the meeting until she was comfortable that she understood.
M was definitely ready to forgive her foster mom and move back home, but over the course of the past few weeks it seems many of her counselors, advisers and handlers had been throwing around the word "abandoned". After M brought it up, I asked her if she had felt abandoned, and she said no, but that everyone else seemed to think that that was what this was. While I can definitely understand why those of us on the outside would feel that way, it struck me that while well-meaning, all of these adults throwing around that term was in fact hindering M and her foster mom's reconciliation, not helping it. We are so quick to label situations from an observer's perspective, that we often forget the impact those labels can have.
I do not now, nor do I think I will ever understand exactly what happened over the last few weeks, but I do know that having a foster child for a few weeks is hard -- I can't imagine what it's like to have more than one for years. I also know that disobedience in your child is frustrating -- I can only imagine what serious, negligent, trust-breaking disobedience in a 17 year old is like. And finally, I know that when a difficult foster child is removed from your home following a shocking situation, there is a lot of guilt and loss, but there is also a hidden relief -- I can't imagine how hard it would be to swallow your own pride and fears and jump through the DSS hoops in an effort to get that same child back into your home.
None of us had a right to judge M's foster mom or M in this situation, and rather than accusing, labeling and assigning blame, our job was and is to love, support and pray for them both -- along with all the other broken, overwhelmed and lost families I watched queue in and out of the DSS office while I waited in the lobby for their meeting to end.
The meeting went very well. M is content with her foster mom's explanation and was excited to move home, which she did only two hours later -- surprisingly, DSS can move quickly at times!
Our little family is a mix of emotions this morning. We miss M and hope to see her soon and often, but we also feel relieved to be back to our little routine and have the uncertainty and expectation of reconciliation behind us.
Watching and listening to the realities of so many Charleston families yesterday morning impacted me, though. There are many days when I would love to just put foster care behind us. It doesn't look like it's going to grow our family like we'd hoped, every call is certain to bring upheaval, and it's honestly, just really hard. But there are so many families in need -- not just the broken ones who lose their children, but the brave ones who are trying to stand in that gap, but are only human, themselves.
Therefore, do not pronounce judgment before the time,
before the Lord comes, who will bring to light
the things now hidden in darkness
and will disclose the purposes of the heart.
Then each one will receive his commendation from God.
before the Lord comes, who will bring to light
the things now hidden in darkness
and will disclose the purposes of the heart.
Then each one will receive his commendation from God.
(I Corinthians 4:5)
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