A little bit in love...

We have our first baby! (or as Charlie reminds me, our second...).  L will be with us until Monday while his foster parents are out of town.

He is 1 year old (not sure how many months) and absolutely precious -- delightfully cuddly, just like Charlie was, and perfectly "energetic" as his daycare teacher described his day.  Plus, I get to carry him, which I have missed so much since Charlie has gotten big!

My text to Jason from the daycare parking lot pretty well sums it up...Monday could be rough.


"He is just as sweet as he looks. And when I asked him if he could come home with us he ran into my heart (was supposed to say arms....but possibly the best typo ever) and gave me a hug :-) and he can say Charlie :-) we're good."

Every good and every perfect gift is from above,

coming down from the Father of lights

with whom there is no variation or shadow

due to change.

(James 1:17)

Such Need

As of  Thursday afternoon, our expectation was that M would not meet with her foster mom until sometime Monday or Tuesday, and while we were all a bit frustrated with the delays, we started making weekend plans and M actually treated us all to a delicious, home made meatloaf dinner!

Then Friday morning around 8:20 I received an apologetic call from DSS.  She "should" have called me Thursday afternoon, but didn't.  M had an appointment at 10:00 in North Charleston at the DSS office to sit down with her foster mom!  Ummm... at this point M was still asleep, and Charlie and I were supposed to be heading off to swim lessons in less than an hour!  Thankfully, mom was more than happy to take Charlie to swim lessons, so M and I were able to make it up to North Charleston with time to spare.

As we drove, we discussed her concerns and questions...all of which boiled down to wondering why her foster mom would have left her in the hospital a week longer than necessary and still not been there at discharge.  I couldn't come up with any possible reasons, but encouraged M to keep asking questions in the meeting until she was comfortable that she understood.

M was definitely ready to forgive her foster mom and move back home, but over the course of the past few weeks it seems many of her counselors, advisers and handlers had been throwing around the word "abandoned".  After M brought it up, I asked her if she had felt abandoned, and she said no, but that everyone else seemed to think that that was what this was.  While I can definitely understand why those of us on the outside would feel that way, it struck me that while well-meaning, all of these adults throwing around that term was in fact hindering M and her foster mom's reconciliation, not helping it.  We are so quick to label situations from an observer's perspective, that we often forget the impact those labels can have.

I do not now, nor do I think I will ever understand exactly what happened over the last few weeks, but I do know that having a foster child for a few weeks is hard -- I can't imagine what it's like to have more than one for years.  I also know that disobedience in your child is frustrating -- I can only imagine what serious, negligent, trust-breaking disobedience in a 17 year old is like.  And finally, I know that when a difficult foster child is removed from your home following a shocking situation, there is a lot of guilt and loss, but there is also a hidden relief -- I can't imagine how hard it would be to swallow your own pride and fears and jump through the DSS hoops in an effort to get that same child back into your home.

None of us had a right to judge M's foster mom or M in this situation, and rather than accusing, labeling and assigning blame, our job was and is to love, support and pray for them both -- along with all the other broken, overwhelmed and lost families I watched  queue in and out of the DSS office while I waited in the lobby for their meeting to end.

The meeting went very well.  M is content with her foster mom's explanation and was excited to move home, which she did only two hours later -- surprisingly, DSS can move quickly at times!

Our little family is a mix of emotions this morning.  We miss M and hope to see her soon and often, but we also feel relieved to be back to our little routine and have the uncertainty and expectation of reconciliation behind us.

Watching and listening to the realities of so many Charleston families yesterday morning impacted me, though.  There are many days when I would love to just put foster care behind us.  It doesn't look like it's going to grow our family like we'd hoped, every call is certain to bring upheaval, and it's honestly, just really hard.  But there are so many families in need -- not just the broken ones who lose their children, but the brave ones who are trying to stand in that gap, but are only human, themselves.

Therefore, do not pronounce judgment before the time,
before the Lord comes, who will bring to light
the things now hidden in darkness
and will disclose the purposes of the heart.
Then each one will receive his commendation from God.

(I Corinthians 4:5)

Uncertainty

I am a planner to a fault, and honestly I tend to look at this personality quirk as a strength.  Most of the time I'm prepared for whatever happens to happen...and if I'm not specifically prepared, I usually have other supplies that can make do or buffer time in the schedule to make up for the unplanned.

In truth, thus far in the life the biggest drawbacks to my planning obsession have been annoying Jason (which surely is character-building for him) and getting annoyed myself when things don't go according to plan -- both fairly minor.

Foster care has turned all of that upside down!  From day one we've known that we could get a call to welcome a child at any moment, but slowly we've realized that more likely than not they come on Thursdays (no idea why).  And of course, each child's identity has been completely unknown, but leading up to M we've had five boys, four of whom were within a year of Charlie's age.  And what about the indeterminate durations?  Oh, we've had arrival and departure dates for everyone but C, because they have been respite.

So this world of unknowns has actually been fairly predictable or at least manageable until M.  Yes, the call was still on Thursday (so odd!), but first of all she is not only a "she," but also 17 years old -- very different.  Next, we've had three appointments at MUSC (one a computer mistake), five trips to the pharmacy and two unplanned visits by DSS, all the while expecting any day to be "the day" M gets to go home.

The little we do know is that there was a meeting of all her various caseworkers at 9:30 this morning, and another meeting (players unknown) at noon.  The next step should be for M to meet with her foster mom to discuss any unresolved concerns, anger, fear, etc, in preparation for reconciliation.  Theoretically all of these meetings were supposed to occur on Monday, so while we are hanging out around home in case we get the call, I don't think M is any more optimistic than I am -- and with tomorrow being Friday, I have to wonder if she's going to have to wait until next week...

If that's the case, Jason will get to make an unplanned trip to Best Buy with M and help her buy a computer, printer, tablet, etc (whatever package they pick), with the $1500 provided her by DSS.  I love that they provide these resources for kids in foster care, but don't envy the pressure on Jason in helping a girl he's known less than a week make such a specific and long-term decision.

I honestly thought I was rolling with all these uncertainties fairly well until yesterday afternoon.  Finally allowed to walk around a bit without my boot (and coordinating 3" flip flop), I have spent the past 24 hours realizing how horrifically dirty my floors are. Obviously, floor cleanliness falls at the bottom of "important" concerns, but when while trying to see the grit I felt on travertine tile I noticed the pink ook on the shower tile, and realized that two weeks in a boot means two weeks of sludge and sand and mess on every surface in the house (two weeks of being at home at least twice as much as normal), I finally felt the weight of all the unknown and unforeseen and uncontrollable.

I plan to strap my boot back on and get the house vacuumed as soon as I successfully coerce Jason into bathing the sandy dog and scrubbing the grungy bathrooms, so we will once again take control of the little bits that we can.  And I guess I'll just have to let go of the rest.  It's truly humbling to realize how much work God is doing on me through all of this.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart,

and do not lean on your own understanding.

In all your ways acknowledge Him,

and He will make your paths straight.

(Proverbs 3:5-6)

Busy Week

M is an absolute delight.  She is kind, respectful, quiet, and seems to truly enjoy playing with Charlie.  It has obviously been an adjustment to have a 17 year old around for the past few days, but we truly couldn't have imagined a sweeter guest -- while negotiating the different freedoms and rules for an almost-adult vs. our standard 7 year old boy is different, it's really not bad at all.

She probably thinks we're nuts though, as life would have it, since she arrived we've been to the beach, a Reggae festival, the water park, church, Grandma's, out on the boat, the library...and more.  It's been an insanely busy few days, and I think we're all starting to feel it.  Thankfully, we have nowhere to be until noon today, though.

Added into all of our family events, M has daily doctor's appointments down at MUSC to follow up on her time in the hospital and start working towards reconciliation with her foster mom.  Both M and her mom want to reconcile (she's the only foster home M has ever been in -- 3 years!), but it is a process and will be emotional for both.

M's wonderful relationship with Charlie is serving as double blessing for handling her appointments, because he loves her so much he is happy to hang out in waiting rooms and sit in downtown traffic for her.  I can't imagine how tough it would be on all of us otherwise.

We are very hopeful for M's reconciliation sessions and that she'll be home to her foster mom sooner than later, but we are really going to miss her when it happens.  Of course, she and Charlie are already making future plans, so I think we may have a long term friendship germinating.

"But be sure to fear the Lord and serve Him faithfully with all your heart;

consider what great things He has done for you."

(I Samuel 12:24)

It's a Girl!

We're getting our first female guest today!  Part of me is really excited, but part of me is terrified.  It's not just a girl, but a teenage girl.  I have honestly been intimidated by teenage girls since I was one, so it's a little daunting.

Charlie, however, is elated.  He's hoping that she'll like playing tag, figuring that she might not like basketball and baseball as much as a boy would (which his PE teacher will be amused to hear!).

Anyway, M should be here sometime this afternoon.  She is between foster homes due to breaking the trust of her foster mother of three years.  They had a huge falling out, M ended up in the MUSC psychiatric ward for harming herself (not seriously-- mainly for space), and now the foster mom won't answer Bair's calls.  I can't imagine what either M or the foster mom is going through.

We have no real idea how long she'll be here -- it's until they find her a permanent foster home...which could be a day or could be a couple weeks.  The uncertainty is frightening, but overshadowed by the fears of what to do if she has a cell phone, how to handle the fact she has a boyfriend, how to respond if she's as surly as I was at 17...

Jason left this one entirely up to me, and I have no doubt we were supposed to say "yes".... I just hope I feel the same way in a couple days.

Interestingly, due to my sprained ankle, I have done nine of my catch-up lesson from the Biblical Counseling Center over the past week, including Counseling Self-Injury and three sessions on Crisis Counseling. Not that I feel confident to "counsel" her, but I feel sure God used this time to prepare me to better love M.  Amazing!

Casting all your anxieties upon Him, 

because He cares for you.

I Peter 5:7