"Hard"

"Doing" was a key theme at our Women's Retreat this week, and as it was a group of many current, former and future moms, foster care and adoption were recurring topics.

It was all at once incredibly humbling, exciting, inspirational and terrifying.  Did you know many people have actual gotten "the call" and kids have come to live in their homes?!?!? 

I know...that's the whole point, but something about these women's stories made it real, that not only are we going to look forward to, fear, pray about and prepare for children, they will actually arrive one day and we'll get to love them.  Crazy!

Also, many of these women have said goodbye to children they've loved -- some knew all along that it was a temporary arrangement, but that didn't make it any easier.  Once you've loved a child, you love that child for good.  We dearly hope to foster to adopt, but just because that is our hope doesn't mean it's God's plan.

And...they still don't regret it...even for their biological children's sake.  Their children survived and flourished not only the arrival and learning to share, but the departure and learning to let go.  

I learned so much...but mostly that it's going to be hard.  Hard to wait.  Hard to say no. Hard to say yes.  Hard to adjust.  Hard to get to know.  Hard to fit in.  Hard to get through.  Hard to balance. Hard to sleep.  Hard to love.  Hard to like.  Hard to understand.  Hard to communicate.  Hard to prioritize.  Hard to schedule.  Hard to afford. Hard to rest.

Then I came home to my boys waiting on the porch for me, and we went back to our regular life as a family of three.  This afternoon my sweet Charlie brought in the mail after school, as he always does, and there was a short note of blessing and encouragement from a mentor and friend, with a gift to help us through the hard.

It's going to be hard...but I'm surrounded by women who've lived the hard and will love us through it. Amazing.

Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial; for once he has been approved he will receive the crown of life which the Lord has promised to those who love Him... But prove yourselves doers of the word, and not merely hearers who delude themselves...Pure and undefiled religion in the sight of our God and Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their distress, and to keep oneself unstained by the world.

(James 1:12,22,27)

False Alarms

Yesterday afternoon as Charlie and I loaded up to come home I noticed a missed call from Bair -- from 11:27 that morning!!! (Who knew I checked my phone so infrequently?!? (hush, Mom and Jason...no comment necessary...))

Anyway, there was a missed call but not message.  Trying to be safe, I didn't call while driving, but did manage to check my email at a red light (oops!).  I had an email from Bair, too.

Sadly, it turned out to be just a notification that Jason's CPR certification will expire in November, so he needs to sign up for one of their free classes (pretty cool service), but not a referral.

I am realizing that as much as I told myself and others that there could very likely be a long wait due to our parameters, I really didn't believe it.  Waiting is very hard for me (ergo very necessary, I know).

Realistically, we have two more significant disappointments coming up, too.  Jason and I have joked that since no child arrived the first week of school, the call is bound to come while I'm away at our church's women's retreat this weekend.  Or even more likely, while Jason is completely off the grid in the wilds of Ontario in a few weeks -- after all, that is when I got my job offer last year.

So, if waiting is what God has in store, I am likely to have a few disheartened days coming up...

-------

Aaaaaaack!  Now I think God may just be having a little fun at my expense (not that He's not entitled, but seriously!).

I was just googling to find the verse that I was planning to post about making plans, blah, blah, blah  when Jason IM'd and asked if I'd seen his text.  I said, "No," because my phone is in the kitchen and has been since we got home from school about 40 minutes ago.

Well, 35 minutes ago, Bair called!  Seriously!  But it's another false alarm.  It is a call for respite care for this weekend.  Typically, I would love the opportunity, but I've already committed to leading a small group at the women's retreat this weekend, and while I would definitely drop those plans for a long term placement, I don't think it's the right thing to do for just a weekend.  Sigh...

I surely hope that I am learning a lot and growing a lot through this, because the emotions are nearly overwhelming...

"Come now, you who say, 'Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit'--yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring.  What is your life?  For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes.  Instead you ought to say, 'If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.'"  

(James 4:13-15)

A Time for Every Purpose

I suppose I'm a bit of a paradox (Jason would probably say in many, many ways), but most of the time I love nothing more than giving and/or throwing things away -- my things, Jason's things, especially Charlie's things.  I can't stand clutter and don't like to clean, so it's always seemed to me the less we own the better.

In fact, we have a hard and fast rule -- no more hangars.  If any of us gets a new shirt or pants or other, we have to put an old one in the donation pile.  I refuse to buy new hangars.

That said, tucked away in the attic I have been treasuring boxes and bins and bags of little boy clothes for over six years.  The collection began as soon as we put away Charlie's newborn clothes, and I added some 5 year old items just today.

At first it was a very practical decision, as having finally been blessed with Charlie we were joyfully expecting more children.  Then as years passed it became a hopeful choice, and eventually more of a talisman...one last prayer that we would add to our family "naturally".

And in truth, I had no thought of breaking into the trove until our pastor's wife posted a simple question on Facebook this morning:

Benjamin is growing like a weed! Anyone have any summer 6 month, or winter 12 month boy clothes?

I immediately thought of our bursting bins and discovered that I'm ready to start parting with the baby clothes.

You see, I realized not long ago that the clothes had ultimately become a matter of pride. I planned to descend upon some destitute or otherwise hapless expectant mother and overwhelm her with years of clothes and toys and blankets...effectively saving the day and becoming the hero.  An idea that started with a desire to bless someone morphed into a self-righteous fairy tale with me as the hero.  It's embarrassing to admit, but true.

So today I responded to the post, took out the bins and am about to finish folding the adorable, sweet memories and load them into bags to deliver to a wonderful mother, who is in no way destitute, but in need of a few onesies, and will surely pass them on herself one day.  No swooping, no heroes, and surprisingly, no tears.

It seems I'm learning to let go of not only unnecessary baggage, but also ungracious dreams...


...practically we are still  holding onto the older things, as we look forward to the next referral, just in case Charlie's prayers are answered and it is a boy (We have had to explain to him that whatever age and sex it is, the child will not be renamed Charlie Jr. -- and no, we won't think about it).

Orientation

As office assistant and a new first-year teacher, yesterday was one of the busiest days of my year -- and I accidentally left my phone in the car.

Between putting the final touches on the Spanish classroom and helping finalize K4 - 7th grade class rosters, last minute enrollments and student handbooks, I just never made it back out to get it and in the course of four and a half hours missed six phone calls -- four from Bair and two from Jason.

We had another referral.

This one didn't come close to meeting our specifications, but Melissa, the director at Bair, called us to test the waters because they were specifically looking for a Caucasian, two-parent home for a sibling group.  The girl, 13 years old, and boy, 8 years old, need a temporary home while the paperwork is being processed to move them permanently to Indiana.

Last Thursday their parents blew up a hotel room with them in it while cooking meth. Everyone survived physically, but mom and dad are going to jail and daughter and son's lives will never be the same.

And we said no.

Jason and I are having a hard time with this.  These two children clearly need a healthy, safe home.  According to Melissa they are extremely well-behaved and adjusted in spite of their home life.  They just need to be loved and cared for.

And we said no.

To be honest, neither of us even wavered.  We believe so strongly in three parameters:
1 - Charlie remains the oldest
2 - We do not bring in more than one child at a time
3 - We bring in only children who are very likely to stay permanently

But when faced with real children in real crisis, it is so very hard to stick to our convictions and do what we believe to be "best for Charlie."

Thankfully, by the time I got the scoop from Jason and called Melissa back, they had a temporary solution until the children can go back to Indiana -- but what about next time?

I realized yesterday that I really hadn't expected to have to say no to any more referrals.  I naively (or hopefully?  or lazily?) assumed that we would go through the process and God would reward us with a perfect fit -- that last week's referral was more of a hoop to jump through than a reality of the process.

Last night Jason and I began a completely different orientation than the one at JICS. We grew in our understanding of how real this is, how hard this is, how important this is, and how aware we need to be of what really matters -- and that we may very likely be called on to flex one or more of our parameters for the child meant for our family.

Yesterday wasn't that day...but I pray that when it comes we are in agreement, confident and obedient.

Consider it all joy, my brothers, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance.  And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete lacking in nothing.  

But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given him.

(James 1:2-5)

Very real...very fast...

Yikes!

Pulling out of the grocery store this morning I received my first referral call from Bair -- just three hours after we found out we're approved!

Justice, the intake coordinator at Bair, called to introduce himself, discuss our perameters and discuss the referral -- in that order.  (We had known the previous intake coordinator, Jason, fairly well, but he moved on to be a fishing captain).

Prior to giving any details Justice asked me to reiterate our priorities, and I told him we're hoping for a child younger than Charlie, ready to be adopted, who can participate in our relatively active lifestyle.  He then told me that the child he has is not a fit for us, talked through some more logistics with me and that was it.  No pressure.  No guilt...at least until I hung up.

I guess I didn't really think we'd be turning down any referrals.  At first it really made me question our dedication to obeying God's will in this.

Then Jason and I looked up the "available children" on the DSS website, and based on our simple, but narrow requirements, were able to see who we think Justice called about.  "M" is a 2 year old little boy who loves to smile...but requires constant care for physical and developmental disabilities, including leg braces, various therapies and a feeding tube.

I believe that Justice is right.  "M" wouldn't be a good fit for us and Charlie.  Jason agrees.  But it's just so hard.

This isn't a fairy tale where we're going to swoop in and save the day to a dramatic song...these are real children needing homes and Charlie is a real child needing us...and we may just be in over our heads.

O, Lord, my heart is not lifted up; my eyes are not raised too high;

I do not occupy myself with things too great and too marvelous for me.

But I have calmed and quieted my soul, like a weaned child with its mother;

like a weaned child is my soul within me.

O Israel, hope in the Lord from this time forth and forevermore.

(Psalm 131)

Approved

Jennifer,
 Hope you had a wonderful vacation and glad to hear you are home safe and sound.Your packet has been approved by the licensing agent! Her supervisor just has to sign the final license. We should be getting the e-mail with your license any day now, but we know that you are approved! Praise the Lord! We will keep praying now that He will lead and guide as we look for a child to be placed in your home.  Congratulations!
Grace E. Kerr
Foster Care Secretary
The Bair Foundation

While the email is short and oh so sweet, its prologue has been has been long and winding, filled with love, lost pregnancies, uncertainty, hope, much prayer, and finally, obedience.

Jason and I have always believed that God created us for a larger family, but it took us years to realize that the simple way may not be His plan for us.  Clearly, we don't know when or even if we will welcome a little brother or sister into our home, but if being "Approved" means we're "ready"...then I suppose we're as ready as we'll ever be.

So now we wait...joyfully, expectantly, with just a dash of terror...

Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world. 
(James 1:27)