Through the storm...

I really had no idea we were still going through it... the storm of guilt, fear, anger and self-doubt that resulted from C's stay back in January and February.

You see, while the decision for him to go was out of our hands, I had desperately wanted him to leave from the day he came.  It was more than I could handle.  I tried.  I tried so hard to be a temporary mother to him and I checked all the boxes, doing the very best I could for him with school and reading and doctors and diet and exercise and everything, but it was so much more than I could handle.

Jason and I have discussed it briefly since and if not for the violence that last day and Lydia arriving just moments later, before I could convince myself that it wasn't a dangerous situation (after all, we'd had "minor" violent situations in the days before), we would never have sent C away.  And I don't think that I could have kept trying for three more months.

I had judged his previous family so harshly for sending C away with just a few months to go before he should get to go home -- after they had cared for him for over a year.  I felt better than them, like my love was stronger, my obedience was more true.  The only thing superior about me was my pride.

Why is all of this so fresh and real now?  Because I just realized we didn't actually come through the storm until this very morning when Jason kissed and hugged me goodbye and we agreed that having Z with us is good.  We are calm.  We are confident.  We can do this.  Opening up our home again was the right thing to do.

Part of me wanted nothing more than to quit foster care forever.  The guilt at failing C and the fear of what future placements might bring threatened to overwhelm me.  Jason is the one who knew we needed to press on, that we couldn't bow out in the depths.  His faith and love and obedience were God's tools to finally pull us out of the storm.

I don't need to be strong enough or wise enough or loving enough for this.  Jesus is perfect strength and perfect wisdom and perfect love.  I just need to follow Him through the storm.  Thank God He has given me a husband who refuses to let me sink.

My hope is built on nothing less

Than Jesus blood and righteousness.

I dare not trust the sweetest frame

But wholly trust in Jesus name.

Christ alone; Cornerstone.

Weak made strong; in the Savior's love.

Through the storm, He is Lord,

Lord of all.

When Darkness seems to hide is face,

I rest on His unchanging grace.

In every high and stormy gale

My anchor holds within the veil,

My anchor holds within the veil.

Christ alone, Cornerstone

Weak made strong; in the Savior's love.

Through the storm, He is Lord,

Lord of all.

When He shall come with trumpet sound

Oh, may I then in Him be found;

Dressed in His righteousness alone,

Faultless to stand before the throne.

Christ alone, Cornerstone

Weak made strong; in the Savior's love.

Through the storm, He is Lord,

Lord of all.

(Cornerstone; Hillsong United)