Bored...

So...I was going to say it's not a complaint, but when is saying you're bored ever not a complaint?  So I guess it is a little bit...but not really.  I just cannot remember the last time I was bored, even on a long trip or in a meeting.  It's been years.

I guess it's just that I have nothing to do for the first time in forever.  Baseball was cancelled due to lightning and the boys have been playing upstairs since we walked in the door -- an hour and a half ago!  What mom ever has an hour and a half of free time at home with a child awake in the house???  I didn't know this was possible!

I hadn't planned to accomplish anything tonight since we were supposed to be at baseball.  And since I don't have anything defrosted, I made the boys' evening by promising mac and cheese, so I have nothing to do...

I know, I could start laundry or read a book or something, but I don't really need to, so...  I did empty the dishwasher.

I guess I just assumed that if Charlie were occupied in the afternoons I would be, too -- like there was some hidden list of things that I had been putting off doing while I was mothering/entertaining/chaufering/cooking, but nope.

Maybe I'll have a cup of tea...that sounds like something I would wish I could do if I were too busy.

Interestingly, I couldn't find a Bible verse about boredom (at least not a positive one), which got me to thinking that maybe boredom is just self-centeredness in a time of peace and rest.  Maybe the people that don't get bored aren't necessarily busier than the rest of us, just less self-focussed.

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden,

and I will give you rest.

Take my yoke upon you and learn from me,

for I am gentle and lowly in heart,

and you will find rest for your souls.

For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.

Matthew 11:28-30

Through the storm...

I really had no idea we were still going through it... the storm of guilt, fear, anger and self-doubt that resulted from C's stay back in January and February.

You see, while the decision for him to go was out of our hands, I had desperately wanted him to leave from the day he came.  It was more than I could handle.  I tried.  I tried so hard to be a temporary mother to him and I checked all the boxes, doing the very best I could for him with school and reading and doctors and diet and exercise and everything, but it was so much more than I could handle.

Jason and I have discussed it briefly since and if not for the violence that last day and Lydia arriving just moments later, before I could convince myself that it wasn't a dangerous situation (after all, we'd had "minor" violent situations in the days before), we would never have sent C away.  And I don't think that I could have kept trying for three more months.

I had judged his previous family so harshly for sending C away with just a few months to go before he should get to go home -- after they had cared for him for over a year.  I felt better than them, like my love was stronger, my obedience was more true.  The only thing superior about me was my pride.

Why is all of this so fresh and real now?  Because I just realized we didn't actually come through the storm until this very morning when Jason kissed and hugged me goodbye and we agreed that having Z with us is good.  We are calm.  We are confident.  We can do this.  Opening up our home again was the right thing to do.

Part of me wanted nothing more than to quit foster care forever.  The guilt at failing C and the fear of what future placements might bring threatened to overwhelm me.  Jason is the one who knew we needed to press on, that we couldn't bow out in the depths.  His faith and love and obedience were God's tools to finally pull us out of the storm.

I don't need to be strong enough or wise enough or loving enough for this.  Jesus is perfect strength and perfect wisdom and perfect love.  I just need to follow Him through the storm.  Thank God He has given me a husband who refuses to let me sink.

My hope is built on nothing less

Than Jesus blood and righteousness.

I dare not trust the sweetest frame

But wholly trust in Jesus name.

Christ alone; Cornerstone.

Weak made strong; in the Savior's love.

Through the storm, He is Lord,

Lord of all.

When Darkness seems to hide is face,

I rest on His unchanging grace.

In every high and stormy gale

My anchor holds within the veil,

My anchor holds within the veil.

Christ alone, Cornerstone

Weak made strong; in the Savior's love.

Through the storm, He is Lord,

Lord of all.

When He shall come with trumpet sound

Oh, may I then in Him be found;

Dressed in His righteousness alone,

Faultless to stand before the throne.

Christ alone, Cornerstone

Weak made strong; in the Savior's love.

Through the storm, He is Lord,

Lord of all.

(Cornerstone; Hillsong United)

Back at it

Unofficially, our home has been closed since C left back in February.  At first it was intentional, to regroup and figure out if our family is equipped for this particular good work.
After a while though it was less intentional and more comfortable.  We were back to our team of 3 -- full of ups and downs, but something we understand.

Finally Jason and I decided that we owed it to each other, Charlie and all of the time and energy put into the licensing process to give it all one more try.

Interestingly enough, within a couple of days of deciding we needed to let Bair know that we are "open" -- but before we actually got around to doing so -- we received a call for a long term placement.  It was for twin brothers, six years old.  This will sound harsh, but it was an easy "no."  We are committed to our decision not to put Charlie in a position of being the odd man out in his own family.

Within a few days we received another call for long term placement.  This time for one boy, but 14 years old.  They thought that after our wonderful experience with T during the flood last year, we might be a good fit.  This was another easy "no".  Following the power struggles and emotional upheaval of having two boys the same age, we recommitted ourselves to our initial requirement that any child be younger than Charlie -- for his safety and for the sake of peace.

Then about a week ago we received a call for an 11 day respite for another 6 year old boy.  Jason and I had decided we would be open to various ages for respite, so I was open to it, and it turns out it's Z, the little boy who stayed with us just three days after T left -- our second respite ever.

It's honestly been so long and we've had so many 5-6 year old boys, that my memories of that weekend are limited to the first evening when he arrived and a general positive feeling that it all went well.

Feeling like this is God's way of either easing us back into respite or possibly showing us that our season of foster care is coming to an end, we agreed.

Charlie and I will pick up Z tomorrow evening after piano and we will all dive back in.  I would like to say that I am excited, and I am looking forward to seeing Z again and how he's grown, but I'm really nervous.  Rather than painting our last placement in a rosy glow, time has served to emphasize the unrest and struggle -- to the degree that I have almost forgotten the joy of our earlier respites.

I know that we are equipped for this good work.  I believe we are doing the right thing.  I hope that we will all have the right attitude to bless Z and accept the blessings he will bring.

All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching,

rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness,

so that the servant of God may be 

thoroughly equipped

for every good work.

(II Timothy 3:16-17)

All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness,