And the sheer work and frustration involved has shown me something very surprising about myself -- two things actually. I am a chronical over-achiever but one who focuses on very low achievements. I expect myself to excel at whatever it is I undertake, but I don't undertake things that I don't think I can do.
In school, literature and languages came easily to me, but math and science were hard -- so I majored in Spanish Literature and took my last math and science classes my first and second semesters of college. I am very awkward socially, but organization and tasks come easily to me, so avoid any social situation where I don't have a defined role and responsibility.
As a mom I've never expected myself to "do it all", content with a dusty house, but frantic about clutter; teaching my son to read and know his Bible before kindergarten, but never playing catch with him.
Lest this sound like a pity party for all of my "unrealized" potential, let me state that I am exceptionally grateful for exactly where God has brought me, but I'm also perfectly aware that it has much more to do with His work in me and the man who picked me, and some reason believed that I wanted to be more than I was and challenged me socially, spiritually and emotionally. And then of course the little freckle-nosed boy who thinks I can do anything he needs me to do, because I'm "mom".
Inside it's not that I'm a quitter, but a non-starter who sets exceptionally low goals for herself, exceeds them minimally then retreats to the couch with a book and cup of tea or Dateline and a glass of wine. The part that I don't understand is that that is still me. That is still what I want to be, but I've undertaken something so much bigger and I'm not excelling or even liking it very much -- but somehow still getting it done without crying myself to sleep or resenting the choice or the child.
If I were to answer someone honestly, I don't really like long term foster care -- it's not fun or particularly rewarding or most importantly to my selfish heart, easy. It's actually very difficult to think about clicking the "Publish" button (and I'm not sure I will without some severe editing of the truth), because I don't really want anyone who reads this to know the truth: I don't really want to be more than I am. I don't want to just keep my eyes above the waves doing something important; I want to walk on water doing something easy. That's what I've always done. That gets me snuggled into my couch cushions by 8:15 every evening and lets me sleep peacefully until 6:00, without a care or concern.
Thankfully (I think), at least for this season, that is not God's plan for me. He has used me as I am, but He created me for more.
Though I am the one who pushed and planned for foster care, thinking it would be all sunshine and rainbows and patting myself on the back for a job well done, God has put a man in my life that sees more in me, expects more of me and encourages me to exceed my goals -- whether I like it or not, and two boys who need me to serve them, raise them and find joy in the work.
Though I am the one who pushed and planned for foster care, thinking it would be all sunshine and rainbows and patting myself on the back for a job well done, God has put a man in my life that sees more in me, expects more of me and encourages me to exceed my goals -- whether I like it or not, and two boys who need me to serve them, raise them and find joy in the work.
I am not the god of my life. It's not up to me. If I listen, obey and trust, I will end up better than I ever wanted to be, but it won't be easy or comfortable or exceptional. And I won't really be doing any of it myself -- my strength can apparently keep me high and dry in a puddle, but only God's will keep my eyes above the waves in His work.
"Fear not, for I am with you;
be not dismayed, for I am your God;
I will strengthen you, I will help you,
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
(Isaiah 41:10)
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